How Did You End Up Here?

by David Porter

“Come on, Ricky, pick up the phone.” There was a long pause. “You’re playing games, Rick. It’s bullshit.” He hung up.

“Do you want me to save this?”

“Fuck it,” Rick said. I pressed ‘3’ and erased the message.

We were sitting at the kitchen table in my apartment in the Outer Sunset. I’d been living with my friend Marybeth from Rutgers since August, when I’d moved to San Francisco from New Jersey. Marybeth’s dad was a cardiologist on the Upper East Side, and Rick was his office manager. He had come to San Francisco to meet his son, Alex, who had turned four in November. It was a Sunday night in the middle of December. There were colored Christmas lights strung above the kitchen, ceramic Santa and Mrs. Claus salt and pepper shakers on the table.

It had been my ex-girlfriend Emma’s idea to move to California. “We could move to Los Angeles,” she said. “Something’s always happening there, and you love to drive. Bruce Springsteen lives there, even.” Before I left New Jersey a woman I worked with told me, ‘everyone in California is either running from an old love or running to find a new one.’ On the drive out I leaned on the wheel all day long for six days and said it to myself over and over.

“Where’d you get this?” I inhaled hard and killed the roach.

“The Haight.”

“Are you crazy?” I coughed and a cloud of smoke rolled through the air above the table. “We’re probably smoking linoleum or eucalyptus leaves or something.” Rick laughed and then my feet began to feel like cinder blocks.

“California’s the best, man,” Rick said. “You can walk down Haight Street on a beautiful sunny day and buy a killer bag, no hassles.” The phone rang.

“The voicemail’ll pick it up,” I said. Rick reached for his beer.

We had been sitting in the kitchen smoking a joint and drinking a twelve-pack of Budweiser Rick had picked up at the 7-Eleven by my house when the phone rang at about 12:30. At first I hoped it might be Emma, since we always used to call each other after midnight, but Rick told me not to answer it, that it was his boyfriend, Alan, and that Alan was all pissed-off and he didn’t want to deal with him. We sat there for about three minutes, which we figured was long enough to leave a message, and the whole time my heart was punching the inside of my chest like a boxer at a speed bag. Sure enough, though, it was Alan.

“Can you play it back?” I pushed the speaker button and dialed into voicemail:

“I’ve got all night, Rick,” Alan said, a bit slurry. “I’ll just keep calling.” He waited. “Fine.” We heard the phone miss the cradle. “Shit!” He hung up.

“Do you think he knows we can’t hear him?” I said.

“He doesn’t give a shit,” Rick said. “He’s piss-drunk.”

“It’s almost four in the morning back East.”

“Alan doesn’t care, he’s off tomorrow.” Rick shook his head. “He’s sitting on the couch in the living room drinking Absolut screwdrivers and watching the Weather Channel. He’s probably already fed half a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to the dog.” He stood up. “Let me go get the rest of the pot.”

“The Weather Channel?”

“Yeah,” he called from the hallway. He walked into the kitchen. “He likes seeing the whole country on the screen in front of him. He says weather’s the only thing that’s real, everything else is bullshit.” He handed me the bag and a small gold pipe. “I bought it at the Pipefitter, that head shop on Haight Street?” I nodded. “It’s made out of bullets.”

“That’s a bit disconcerting,” I said.

“Paid for it with my ATM card,” Rick said. I took a small chunk of bud from the bag and pushed it into the bowl. I handed Rick the pipe and the lighter. “Thanks,” he said.

“What was it like growing up in Texas?” The phone rang.

“What?” Rick leaned back and exhaled. Smoke floated toward the Christmas lights.

“Texas.”

“Did I tell you I’m from Texas?”

“What was it like growing up there?” I took a hit.

“Completely fucked.” He handed me the pipe. “Everything was so fucking Texan. No blacks, no Jews, no Asians and definitely no queers. There wasn’t anything to do except drink, smoke, drive and fuck.” Rick picked up his beer. “I’ve been drinking and smoking since I was ten years old.”

“All we did was watch MTV and drive around Short Hills looking for parties,” I said.

“The cool people ran away to Austin and became speed freaks.”

“What’d you do?”

“Joined the Navy and became a speed freak.”

“Why speed, was it a Seventies thing? Wait, the Seventies was coke, right?”

“I’m not that old, man. It was the Eighties.” He finished his beer. “Speed’s fucking great.” He looked at me. “Ever try it?” I shook my head. He stood up and walked to the refrigerator. “It’s like flying.” He grabbed two beers and handed me one. “That’s how I ended up living out here, this was a great place to do speed back then.” He sat down and opened his beer. “That’s how I ended up married, actually.”

“How’s that?” When I woke up in your bed that morning, I knew.

“I was living here for a while after I got out of the Navy, just partying and hanging out. I met Karen in some dyke bar and went home with her that night. I was hanging out with her on and off for a while and then she inherited a hundred thousand dollars.” He drank some beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I figured I’d spend the rest of my life flying on speed, so I married her.” He grinned.

“So what happened?”

“Let’s just say a hundred thousand dollars isn’t a lot of money when you get right down to it.”

“How long did it take?”

“A year.” The phone rang. We waited a bit.

“Do you want me to pull the messages?” I said.

“Just the last one,” Rick said. He leaned forward. I dialed into voicemail. I erased the first message and played the second:

“Rick you pig, listen to this.” We heard the sound of fabric ripping. “That was your white silk Armani, faggot. Faggot! Faggot! Faggot!” Alan slammed the phone down.

“He’s totally wasted,” Rick said. “That’s his shirt.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry about all this.”

“Don’t sweat it.”

“Thanks for being such a sweetheart.”

“How’d you end up getting married if you’re gay?”

“I was bi back then, but just barely.” He rubbed his face. “A few months after I married Karen I knew for sure I wasn’t.”

“And you haven’t wanted to be with a woman since?” He shook his head. “Never?”

“No desire whatsoever. Do you ever want to be with a man?”

“No desire whatsoever.” I smiled. “There are some beautiful men in this city, though.”

“Tell me about it.” The phone rang. “See, aren’t you glad you’re not dating anyone?” You make me laugh. Rick leaned back. “Play the message,” he said. “Let’s see what he’s gotten up to now.” I pressed the speaker button and dialed into voicemail:

“You’re a whore, Rick.” We heard a heavy object crash through glass.

“Coffee table,” Rick said.

“Coffee table!” Alan shouted. “That was your coffee table, you fucking whore! Fucking call me back!” He hung up. I erased the message and turned off the speaker.

“He’s hammered,” Rick said.

“Did you cheat on him? I mean, it’s none of –“

“Sort of.” He sighed. “I’d better call him, he’s in glass mode.” He looked down at the table. “What if he goes after the television? It’s a twenty-four inch JVC.”

“It might not be so bad.” I reached for the bag and the pipe. “Do you mind if I pack another one?”

“Go ahead.”

“If you don’t have a TV you can’t watch it.”

“I’d go apeshit without the tube, it’s how I relax.” He picked up his beer. “You don’t watch TV?”

“Rarely. Every time I turn it on there’s some beautiful seventeen year-old girl writhing around in a lycra bodysuit.” I pressed a small bud into the bowl. “Or cheerleaders.” I handed Rick the pipe. “It kills me.”

“I don’t really have that problem.”

“Why don’t you call him back?” Rick reached for the lighter.

“It’s bullshit, man. I’m not going to play this game.” He took a hit and exhaled. “Besides, he’s so fucked up right now it’d be useless talking to him.”

“What other stuff do you have?” I said. Rick handed me the lighter. “Like breakable stuff.”

“Let’s see, the TV.” He looked at the ceiling. “The CD player.” He counted on his fingers as he went through the list. “The sectional, Alan’s MacIntosh. What else?” He pressed his teeth into his lower lip. “Krupps espresso maker, CDs and the dog.” He looked at me.

“What’s the dog’s name?”

“Austin. As in Austin, Texas.”

“So he –“

“She.”

“She’s yours?”

“Yeah, I’ve had her since I got out of the Navy.” He picked up his beer. “She’s a sweet old dog, man. Irish Setter. She follows me everywhere, barks if anyone comes near me.” He looked at Santa and Mrs. Claus. “Alan loves her, he wouldn’t fuck with her.” He sipped his beer. “And he paid for most of the shit in the apartment, so if he wrecks it –“ He shrugged his shoulders.

“The more shit he smashes, the less you’ll have to divvy up if you bail.”

“True.”

“And you won’t have a bunch of Alan’s shit sitting around making you sad later on.” Emma was somewhere, sleeping. “I had this old red flannel shirt, some J. Crew thing my mom bought me a million years ago.” I rubbed my eyes and my forehead. “I slept in it for years before I met Em, then she got a hold of it and that was it. She slept in it all the time. She said it smelled like me.” Your hair between my fingers, the radiator breathing like a sleeping dog. Wait until you slip to sleep, mumble ‘I love you’ through paste and pyjamas.

“Did she give it back?” I shook my head.

“She kept it. I wanted her to.” He pulls himself from her, falls asleep beside her. Her breathing is measured, satisfied. “I don’t have anything except some letters.”

“Do you have any pictures?”

“Five. At my parents’ house in New Jersey.” I drank the rest of my beer. “I have some mix tapes.” I threw my empty toward the recycling bin at the back of the kitchen, missed. “Well, they’re not mix tapes, exactly.”

“What are they? Is she talking on them or singing to you or something?”

“No, they’re these tapes with one or two songs on them. Mostly one, actually.” I leaned forward. “See, she’d hear some song on the radio or find a song on a CD that she loved, and she’d tape that one song and send it to me. She never waited to fill the whole tape.”

“What kind of songs?”

“Love songs, stuff that made her laugh.” I leaned back. “She loved that “I’m Too Sexy” song, “Never My Love” by the Association. Bread, the Carpenters, Stone Temple Pilots. That sort of thing.” Shoes off in the living room, Smokey Robinson on the turntable, seems that I’m always thinking of you. I love you and all I want you to do is just hold me, hold me, hold me. “They’re good tapes, too, like Maxell XLIIs, TDK SA90s.” I shrugged. “Em’s kind of an audiophile.”

“You never used the blank space on the tapes?”

“Never.” The phone rang.

“You mean you have all these tapes with only one song on them, but you don’t use them?”

“Nope.”

“Do you ever listen to them?”

“No way.” I shook my head.

“And you won’t tape over them?”

“No way, never.” Rick laughed. “Couldn’t,” I said.

“You’re all right,” Rick said. He drained his beer and put the can on the table next to the other empties. We had a nice little city of cans going. “Play the new message, will you?” I pushed the speaker button and dialed. “I’m really sorry about this,” Rick said.

“Don’t worry about it.” I pressed ‘1’:

“Hey, Ricky-boy. Sweetie. How’s it going, lover?” Alan waited a few seconds. “Some really bad things are going to happen if you don’t call me back, love. I’m waiting.” He hung up. I erased the message.

“He sounds like he’s ready to do some fucked up stuff, doesn’t he?” Rick said.

“He kind of already has,” I said. Rick looked down at his lap. “You can’t have this shit in your life anymore, Rick.” He looked at me. “You have to think about Alex.”

“You’re right.” He sighed. “It wasn’t like this at first.” He put his elbows on the table, his chin in his hands. “When I first met Alan it was beautiful. He wasn’t drinking so much then. We used to walk home from the clubs at three in the morning, not even that fucked-up. I had an apartment down by the river, and we used to cross Hudson at Charles to get to my place.” He smiled. “One night we got caught at the light and we started kissing. We must’ve stood there making out through four green lights before we finally crossed the street.” He leaned back and folded his arms. “And the sex was amazing. Still is sometimes, but…” He shook his head. “God, it was intense. You can’t imagine.”

“That’s okay.” Waking up beside a man, my chin chafed raw by someone else’s stubble, like Emma’s chin when I didn’t shave. We were standing in the middle of the quad. You took off your mittens and put your hands to my face.

“You don’t know what it’s like to be thrown down and fucked,” Rick said. “Only a man can do that to you.”

“I don’t know. It was pretty intense with Emma.” I stood up. “It was like a car crash, sometimes.” Sunset, an evening breeze through the dune grass at Island Beach State Park. I feel like an old cat falling asleep on a pile of warm laundry. “I need a beer.” I want to live between your fingers, in the curve of your back. Like opening my bedroom window to snow. I walked to the refrigerator and opened the door. “Driving down drunk street,” I said to myself.

“Yeah, but just thrown down and fucked?” Rick said. “Just taken?”

“It felt that way,” I said. I pulled a beer from the suitcase. “Do you want one?”

“You may never know,” Rick said. His voice was sad and tired.

“Hey, I kind of hope not.” I grabbed another beer and closed the refrigerator. “No offense, but I don’t want to be with a man.” I handed Rick a beer.

“Thanks.”

“It’s just not me,” I said. I sat down. “Hey, how was seeing Alex? I totally forgot to ask you.”

“It was amazing. Amazing.” Rick opened his beer and took a sip. “We spent the day in Golden Gate Park. We watched the buffaloes, we walked through the arboretum, we rode the carousel.” He took another sip of beer. “At first he was totally freaked out. I mean, he had no idea who I was, but we had some ice cream and then we watched some guys playing inline hockey and he just started talking. He was telling me about the Ninja Turtles and about his nursery school. Man can he talk.” Rick smiled. “He just blew me away.”

“Awesome, I’m really happy for you.” I drank some beer. We were quiet for a few minutes.

“Would you mind playing that last message?” Rick said.

“Not at all.” I pressed the speaker button and dialed:

“Hey, lover, it’s me. Me. It’s me,” Alan said. “Listen. Listen. Listen, you fucker.” We heard a woman whimpering.

“Austin,” Rick said.

“I’m going to kill the dog, Rick. I’m going to kill the dog. I’m going to hurt her the way you hurt me, the way you humiliated me. I’m not disposable Rick.” He waited. He must have let go of Austin because we couldn’t hear her whimpering. “I’m not disposable, Rick! I’m not just some fucking hole you can shove your dick into and walk away from!” He was breathing hard. “You have fifteen minutes to call me back, exactly fifteen minutes. Listen.” Austin started whimpering again. “I’m watching the Weather Channel, I know what time it is, I’m not that fucking drunk.” He hung up. I erased the message. Alan had called at 1:28. I looked at the clock. It was 1:41.

“Call him, we’ve only got two minutes,” I said. I pushed the phone toward Rick. “It’s enough already.”

“He’s not gonna kill the dog.”

“Come on, Rick, he’s out of his fucking mind. He’s already wrecked your apartment.” Rick looked at his hands. “You broke his heart,” I said.

He didn’t look up. I looked at the clock. It was 1:42. “Come on, Rick, call him.” I put my hands on my head. I wanted to cry.

“This shit’s got to stop,” Rick said. He shook his head. “I can’t let him –” I jumped up and grabbed the front of his shirt.

“If you don’t call him right now I’ll kill you,” I said. We stared at each other for a few seconds. “I swear to God, Rick. I’ll fucking kill you.” I let go of his shirt and stepped away from him.

“Okay,” he said. He lifted the receiver. “Can I dial direct, I –”

“Dial the fucking number, Rick! Just dial!” He put the receiver to his ear and dialed.

“Alan. Are you out of your fucking mind?” He listened for a few seconds. “I was out with Marybeth’s roommate. Judah. We just walked in the fucking door.” Rick looked at me. “Yes, I heard every message.” He pushed his hair back from his forehead. “What if I hadn’t gotten back here when I did, you would’ve hurt Austin? So fucking what, what if Marybeth had picked up her messages?”

“Is the dog all right?” I whispered.

“Then you shouldn’t have gotten so fucked up.” Rick nodded at me. “You’re doing this all the time now, Alan. All the fucking time.” I took a deep breath and left the kitchen. “I know what I did, Alan,” Rick said. “I’m sick of hearing about it.”

I walked into my room and turned on my clock radio. It was set to KOIT, the light rock station. Marybeth had left a pack of Benson & Hedges 100s on my desk. I lit a cigarette and opened my window. I stood there for a while smoking and listening to the radio. I heard “If You Could Read My Mind,” by Gordon Lightfoot, the Pretenders’ “2000 Miles” and Mariah Carey, “Vision of Love.” I raked leaves with your father on your front lawn, short hair and khakis. You watched me from your bedroom window. Later you told me I was your perfect man, a sweaty blue Oxford and a quick kiss in your front hall. We were breathing God’s cleanest air.

After about fifteen minutes Rick knocked on my door.

“Come on in,” I said. He looked exhausted. “Is the dog all right? Please say yes.”

“Don’t worry, Jude. It’s cool.” I pulled a cigarette from the pack, lit it with mine and handed it to him. “Thanks.” He took a drag and exhaled toward the hallway. “I told Alan we’re finished,” he said. “I’ve got to get my shit together.” He took another drag, then he tapped his ashes into his free hand. “Because of Alex.”

“Good.” We stood and smoked for a minute. “Good,” I said. Rick stepped toward me and dumped his ashes out the window.

“I’ll find someone else,” Rick said. He looked at me. “So will you.”

“You sound pretty fatherly,” I said. He raised his eyebrows.

“Get used to it.” He smiled. He turned and flicked his cigarette out the window.

“I want to be taken,” I said. Rick put his hand on my cheek.

“I know,” he said. “Good night, sweetie.” He left the room.

Bradley Beach, after an evening thunderstorm. People stood on their porches to watch the sky clear. Headlights filled the shallow ponds upon the sidewalk, raindrops leapt like small silver fishes, glimmered. We walked to the boardwalk, past the drenched miniature golf course. The sky was the color of Emma’s lips when it was cold. I kissed the back of her neck.

I reached down and shut off the radio. Above Ocean Beach, stray clouds drifted past the moon, their edges silvered by its touch. A few blue stars burned in their wake. We are a history of broken fevers. I dropped my cigarette and turned away from the window.