Question #1: How do I get my virgin girlfriend to suck my dick? P.S.: I go down on her and I know for a fucking fact that my penis/balls smell terrific. She’s headed south before and hovered around the boxer line, but nothing happened.

Jasmine Freud: Oh my, golly gee. Assuming you want to stay with the girl—though she sounds as boring as hell—you got to open that vocal hole that’s located on your face and ask her about it. I know it’s tough, but you can do it. She is most likely just unsure of what the hell to do, nervous, and doesn’t want to bring it up. So it’s all you, man. Your mantra: Help her help you; help her help you. Good luck! And congrats on the fresh-smelling jock area. You are the ma-on! On the off chance she just ain’t into that kind of stuff, you know, reciprocation, then stop all oral activities on her and head for the hills. Yee-haw!

Question #2: Sometimes when I’m having sex I feel the urge to urinate on my partner. Nothing comes out but it ruins my sexual flow. What’s up with that?

Jasmine Freud: You may know this, but what the heck: with these questions I have to assume you are brain dead (no offense). First, you need to try to pee before you have sex, girl. Not the kinkiest form of foreplay, I know, but before you start getting into hot and heavy petting, try to take a leave of absence early on so that you can try to pee. That way, you won’t have wiped away any of the juice that will begin to flow once you are more aroused. If you still get the urge during intercourse, relax the pelvic muscles and continue to go to town. The worst that can happen is that you get a little wee-tiny bit o’ pee on the dude. It will probably be wet enough to mix in with the other wet stuff and he won’t even notice; that is, assuming you will expel some pee, which you most likely won’t. Also, try to pee after sex to avoid bladder infection—that was free advice. I know, you didn’t even ask about that, but that’s me. I’m cool like that. Bye. Gotta pee. Next question.

Question #3: Sometimes when I’m at the gym I almost orgasm on this abs machine where you lift you legs up. What should I do? Am I weird?

Jasmine Freud: You lucky hoe. First off—yes, you’re weird. What should you do? Work out more often. Shit, is this why Janet Jackson has those crazy, nutty, rock-solid six-pack abs? You tell me. I’m asking the question now, be-atch!

Question #4: Are you married?

Jasmine Freud: No. Is that a threat?